Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
