i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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