i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
