Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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