while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
