Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
