Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
