you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.