at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
