Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
