just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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