piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
