I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha