my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
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I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.