I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
this hospital has no fireball
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!