This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
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Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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