We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
