I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
