Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
