i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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