Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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