My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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