I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
