I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
