Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
