I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
