its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
