dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
