So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
