I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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