I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
