If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
