I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
