I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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