batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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