hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
