ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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