The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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