Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
