I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
