Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
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He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
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Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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