Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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