As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
