Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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