Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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