Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
