do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just want to make out with him forever
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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