I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
a search helicopter?!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.