I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night