I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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