Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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