Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
