I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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