I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
