oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
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he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
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Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize