He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
