i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
